Pursuit of Happyness

The one thing about being Iraq is that you get to spend a lot of time alone with your thoughts. Now this can be a good or a bad thing. Self analyzing is always good, but an idle mind can also be the devil's work shop instead of God's factory. Sometimes I think about the effect that my immaturity and bad decisions have had on my soon to be ex wife. Believe it or not, at one point in my life I was an "Ain't Shit Nigga." I did a lot of stuff to her that I am not proud of. I think about what the next dude she has a relationship will have to deal with because of me.

It doesn't take me long to figure out because I've had to deal with the same issue with women that I've been involved with in the past. I also have had actions and reactions that were the result of past relationships. Last summer a very good friend of mine told me that I sabotage my happiness. 27 at the time, I hadn't figured something that simple out. A good thing could come and slap me in the face and I'll tell it to keep it moving because I didn't feel like I deserved it. Just like many people, I too have let other people decide whether or not I will be happy.

We all try to lie to ourselves and say that we won't live in our pasts, but we are creatures of habit. After getting burned by the hot stove enough, you will quit touching it. Same with relationships. After enough heartbreak you will shut down and make yourself unavailable to new people that come in your life. But heartbreak is the beautiful thing about life. If everything was perfect and went right, life would be boring. Pain keeps you mentally agile and keeps life interesting. The goal is to not let it hinder you from moving forward. Sometimes for you to grow, that person you are dealing with has to go. Keep the good lessons and throw out the bad. Making somebody pay for the mistakes of somebody else is never cool. Its kind of like going to the drive through and the person at the window says you have to pay for the lunch of the person that was in front of you and is long gone. Until the next one, live life abundantly.

Runaway

How Kanye feels about the bird is how I feel about a certain somebody. I had a long blog in mind but I'll keep this one simple

Flawed

It took me a while, but I realized that I am a very flawed individual. I make a lot of mistakes and there were times that I went left when I should gone right. My desire to please people left me empty a lot of the times. If it meant lying I did it, if it meant going broke I did it and the choices that I made when dealing w/ women were sometimes questionable. Many times I just did too much or not enough. I figure that if doing wrong got me in some of these fucked up positions, I'm going to try and see what doing right will get me. At the end of the day I just want to live a simple life; watch my kids grow up and grow old with my lady. Sabotaging my happiness will not get me there. Until the next time, live life abundantly.

Keeping it real

I see its been a while since I emptied my brain on here. A lot has changed since I last posted something. I'm still in this shit hole called Iraq. I moved to a new location a few months back. My work hours have increased as well as my stress level. My gym time decreased drastically and I'm only averaging about one full meal a day so I've lost 10 lbs. I go on RnR and I can't wait. I need it, because I'm burned out. When I get back I'll have 3 months left in country when I get back.

For once I'm actually looking forward to the future. I usually live day to day because thinking about my career, my kids, my impending divorce, and a certain somebody (who shall remain nameless till my divorce is final) was just getting to be too much. I have to tell myself everyday that I just need to go w/ the flow and quit making my own plans because in the end it will be up to the Good Lord.

I know one thing is for certain, it feels damn good to have a person in my life that i can be 100% honest w/. For the longest time I had issues w/ trust because I was always worried about the consequences. I used to lie to my soon to be ex wife on a regular basis because I just didn't want to deal w/ her attitude. A lot of people kill their relationships with other people because they don't know that impact out weighs intent. You can mean one thing, but it can be perceived differently.

I may not have it all the way together but I win more than I lose and that's all that matters. Well until the next time I decide to put in my random 2 cents, live life abundantly.

Oh yeah, the reasoning behind the pic is that that is my image of what a partnership should be. Two people loving each other, and not constantly attacking each other because of insecurities.

Re Eval

So I failed today. Did something I haven't done in over 4 years. Failed a timed 2 mile run. I could make a lot of excuses as to why I didn't pass. I'm flat footed, got 2 messed up ankles that effect the rest of my body. In turn I have to work extra hard at what comes with ease to people with normal lower extremities. But I won't bitch because I'm healthy and I have to feet and 2 legs where as some people don't have that. Because I failed, somebody who I respected told me I don't deserve to be in the position I'm in. I'll take it as constructive criticism, but I will not let anybody tell me what I do and do not deserve. I've been at the bottom many times and I've never given up on life. Its just time to regroup and refocus. Time work past the point of pain and break my body down then build it back up. I hate losing and i refuse to make same mistakes.

90 days in

So 3 months down and 9 to go. Finally started running on a somewhat regular basis. It hasn't been easy since I'm out of cardio shape. I miss the days when I could run 2 miles with no problem. Stepped on the scale and I'm up to 198. 42" chest and 15 1/2" arms. Put up 225 4 times with no help so I'm getting stronger. I think I might cut back on the supplements and just go with protein. It's getting expensive and I've got other things I need to save my money for. Well that's all for now. Holla back in a month.

Month 2

Month 2. Time has been going by at a decent rate. Finally started running. Not consistently but I started. This gut just doesn't want to go away. Been hovering around 195. Same supplements, Creatine, ZMA and Protein.